A NOT SO MERRY CHRISTMAS

Hello, I hope everyone is well! This post is more of a diary-esque, ramble rant whatever the fuck you want to call it. However, I am sure there will be somebody who will relate to this post.

Christmas is usually my favourite time of year. I used to be absolutely mad about it but the past few years have been SHIT. The last three Christmases (that word looks weird and I am sorry(ish) if it is not an actual word) have been ABYSMAL. Everyone acts as though Christmas is this magical time of year, which of course it should be but it isn’t always the case. People’s problems don’t just magically disappear just because it is Christmas. I think it is easy for some people to forget that some people struggle at Christmas or that there are some people that just genuinely find the entire holiday so exhausting. If you are reading this and have found yourself nodding in agreement to any of the above then I just want you to know that it is okay for you to feel the way you do.

Here’s a summary of my last few Christmases: In 2016, my parents had a massive fuck off row on Christmas Day so I spent the day drinking and trying to watch the Wizard of Oz in peace. In 2017, I was going through a break up and was just a wreck so spent the day depressed and now in 2018, I do not see myself enjoying Christmas Day. I am just not looking forward to it. To put it bluntly, I cannot be fucked with it this year for many reasons such as, my mood and of course, the fucking inconvenience of being fucking trampled on in the Bull Ring whilst buying shit for people. For those of you that don’t know, the Bull Ring during Christmas time is hell on Earth and if there are any Brummies reading this you are probably shuddering right now and having heart palpitations from just thinking about the fucking chaos! Anyway, I’ve started to stray away from what I want to rant about…let’s start again. A few months back I got to a really good place but recently I have felt myself slipping. I do not understand why I feel the way I do when for the past few months things have been great for me; I am seeing a great guy, I prefer my new Uni course and I feel like I have made many improvements in many aspects of my life. There’s just something I haven’t been able to completely shake off. I don’t know entirely what it is but what I do know is that it is starting to creep up on me.

I am currently feeling way too much and I can’t shut my brain off. I just so desperately want to tell the guy I am with about everything going off in my head but he just won’t understand. He is a great guy and he would try and help but when it comes to mental health he just doesn’t get it and past conversations with him that have lightly brushed on mental health has proven that. I would say that this is his only downfall. He doesn’t mean to be ignorant and I know that he would try his best to understand but he just wouldn’t be able to. He is one of these people that is naturally resilient mentally and good for him! I am so happy that he is this way. Of course, I don’t want him to be the type of person that dwells on things and mood flips 180 at the flip of switch…aka, me! I just find it hard to open up to him because I don’t want to scare him off and come across as an attention seeker.

There’s a bit of awkwardness within me when it comes to opening up and talking about how I am feeling. I hate to burden people. I always think that I am annoying people, oversharing way too much and that my issues aren’t big enough as there’s people out there with so much bad shit going off in their lives. Whereas in my life, nothing around me is going catastrophically wrong. It is literally just all in my head. I have noticed during the past month or so, it is getting harder to get out bed, it’s getting harder to fall asleep, it’s getting harder to do normal everyday activities and I am becoming so agitated at everything; so snappy and impatient. I also hate everyone at the moment (forgive me for sounding like an angsty teen); one little thing someone says to me or even something that I have remembered that they have done or said to me in the past and I turn sour. There are many people I haven’t spoken to in a while and a few people that I just want to get rid of. I am just switching on people and I hate being this way as I never used to be like this. It really isn’t an attractive quality. Being this way is just making me become even more isolated.

So no, I am no longer looking forward to Christmas and having to be fake happy. Looks like I am going to be pouring glass after glass of wine whilst repeatedly saying, “Fuck it, it’s Christmas! One more won’t hurt!”.

Anyone else really not looking forward to Christmas? Also do you have somebody in your life that you absolutely adore and wish to open up to but feel as though you can’t? Let me know in the comments!

P.S. Punctuation and grammar is all over the shop throughout this post but I can’t be arsed. If I am feeling nice in a few days or so I might edit this post.

Liv xoxo

It’s been a while…2018…2019 and healthy relationships

It’s been a while…2018…2019 and healthy relationships

Hello, I hope you are all well! November is now at a close and this is my first and only post for this month! I have been neglecting my writing recently. I haven’t had much motivation to write anything interesting or useful to others. This post itself isn’t going to be anything special as I have done ZERO planning; I just feel like writing. It is currently 01:45 am and my brain is extremely active as I am drowning in deadlines and just my thoughts are just going round and round in my head. It’s exhausting. I can’t shut it up. So, I thought why not briefly write about this year and what I want to get out of 2019!

This year has been full of up and downs. The past few months for me have been the best months of this year for me. My anxiety has mostly been bearable. Thus, I have been able to think/act more rationally and be kinder to myself. Looking back at how I was a year ago to even just 6 months ago shocks me. I cannot believe that I tortured myself using my own mind and by allowing people to treat me badly. Fast forward to now, my mind is a lot clearer than it was and I now have the emotional ability to be civil with those that have tried to worm their way back into my life but that’s as far as it goes…civil…as in:

“Hey, you good?”

*8 hours later*

“Yes, things are going well. Hope everything is going well with you too!”

“Yeah, things are good. Blah blah blah”

“Glad to hear it. All the best, seeya.”

And sometimes the conversation goes like this:

*incomprehensible drunk text message*

*read*

Aaand I go about my day not bothering to entertain them. I still have my bad days and yes I still wallow in the past but I now know that life is so much better and easier once you put in what you get out of people. Do not allow yourself to be the one who is always making the effort. Do not allow someone to call all of the shots. They will lose respect for you and quite frankly you will have no respect for yourself. Once you surround yourself with people who treat you the way you should be treated and you look back at your past friendships and relationships, it shocks you. In fact, it actually shits me up. People scare me. They can switch and turn on you in a nanosecond. So it is important that you try your best to have your eyes wide open and NEVER EVER lose composure (Well, never in front of them anyway!) if it all goes tits up. You will only feel like a twat in the long run. It really isn’t worth the stress.

I hope that in 2019 I will be able to maintain my current healthy relationships and state of mind. I also hope that I can stay out of my overdraft but let’s be honest, that’s not happening! Usually at the end of every year, I am constantly thinking of everything that I want to achieve and change but this year the list is relatively short. I will expand more on this around New Year time as I feel that a New Year’s Resolution post will be more fitting once we are actually in December! I just want to be able to keep my head and adopt healthy habits. That is pretty much all I ask of 2019. I also hope that in 2019, Cowboy boots do not become a thing again. It didn’t work when they were back in 2009 (yes, I had a pair as Hannah Montana was undoubtedly my aesthetic at the time but thankfully only wore them twice as they really hurt my feet) and it will not work in 2019!

October marks a year single!

Hello, hope you are all well! This is my first October blog post. In fact, I haven’t posted in just under a month. For the past 3 weeks, I haven’t been well. Initially I had norovirus and had to go home. Once my virus had cleared up, I was just left with a horrible cold. I am now just left with an annoying dry cough and the occasional snotty nose (why the fuck am I writing about snot?). So yes, for almost a month I haven’t been able to do much…I’ve only just started snorting wine again. I have also set some posts to private as I am a bit paranoid that certain people may find them and discover that I am running this blog. I also don’t think they’re that great. So, my blog is a bit bare right now. Hopefully I will start posting a lot more.

At this very moment, I should be writing about, the key economic and political events during 1900-1946 but y’know priorities. Plus, I am really not in the fucking mood as I currently have my hormone monster with me (if you don’t watch Big Mouth you really should – it’s on Netflix and it makes me HOWL. It is so fucking stupid) so I am PMS’ing like a bitch. Anyway, enough rambling, (this is probably going to be a ramble-y post and all over the place) today I want to talk about what I have learned during my single year; here we go!

So for those of you who follow me and read my previous blog posts, you might recall that I was head over heels with my ex and went through a very hard time mentally during the break up. For those of you who don’t, I will de-privatise the now unavailable posts soon and I will probably write about it again but basically, I was a complete mess and he wasn’t very kind to me in the aftermath. It took a long time to start healing and even now that a year has passed I still haven’t 100% bounced back as I still think about the situation a lot. That’s not because I still love him. It’s because the entire ordeal knocked me so drastically. It was hard to bounce back. This year has taught me a lot and it hasn’t been very kind to me. I have learned a lot of harsh lessons but I look back on them now and although I believe that I did not deserve 80% of these harsh lessons, they were perhaps something that I needed. I usually try and dodge situations and emotions but this year it was just impossible; something within me just broke. I know it’s cliché but, I didn’t understand the person I was and I didn’t like that person. I didn’t know how to be by myself and I look back now and I admit that perhaps that was what I was mostly upset about during the break up. It is hard being alone when you have been used to being with someone. It was very difficult to get moving again and to start living my life to benefit myself and nobody else. I feel like I have only recently been able to do this within the past few months and honestly it is amazing how great I feel in comparison to how I felt for the last few months of last year and for the first half of this year.

Enough of the morbid stuff…here’s a list of the things I have learned and been able to do single:

  • Go for a night out and not have anybody moaning at me for my dress/skirt being too short aka looking good.
  • Go on dates! I have started talking/seeing someone but it’s not official. I am still single but… perhaps not for long so I had to make this post now – just in case!
  • It is okay to be alone.
  • It is okay to be VERY single aka not speaking to anyone.
  • It is okay to want to be single.
  • It is okay to not have your ex in your life.
  • You don’t owe your ex shit.
  • Do not allow people to click their fingers and do not, I repeat, DO NOT go running to them…DON’T! They don’t respect you if they are leading you on.
  • You shouldn’t forgive everyone; some really do not deserve it.
  • Stand up for yourself.
  • It is okay to have bad days.
  • It is most definitely okay to stalk an ex (online obviously).
  • It’s normal to be curious to what they are up to nowadays.
  • It’s normal to feel guilty.
  • I can do whatever I want with my hair without having to care what anyone thinks.
  • It is not okay to be in a relationship where you often walk on egg shells.
  • Knowing exactly what you want in your next relationship.
  • Not to feel guilty or ashamed of your achievements.
  • Family will constantly ask you about your love life at the worst possible times.
  • You will want to punch your nan when she asks if you are seeing someone.

This of course isn’t everything I have learned as the list would be far too long. When you’re in a relationship it is easy and quite normal to get wrapped up in that person. There is no telling you that maybe things aren’t quite right and that you might not get married, move to the French countryside and have three beautiful children: Arabella, Louis and Frederick (I would call him, Freddie obviously. I don’t want a child that is born in a cape and crown all ready for his coronation!). When you get so comfortable, you can’t bear to think of the possibility that that person one day may no longer be in your life. I am not saying that you can’t be filled with bliss during a relationship. I am just saying that if things do not work out it is not the end of the world. Everything in the end will be okay. It may take a while but you will be okay. I believe that being single after being in a relationship is a good thing in terms of growth and experiencing new things. I can’t wait to see what the future brings!

How do you guys feel about being single? Leave a comment to let me know!

Liv xoxo