Hello, I hope everyone is well! This post is more of a diary-esque, ramble rant whatever the fuck you want to call it. However, I am sure there will be somebody who will relate to this post.

Christmas is usually my favourite time of year. I used to be absolutely mad about it but the past few years have been SHIT. The last three Christmases (that word looks weird and I am sorry(ish) if it is not an actual word) have been ABYSMAL. Everyone acts as though Christmas is this magical time of year, which of course it should be but it isn’t always the case. People’s problems don’t just magically disappear just because it is Christmas. I think it is easy for some people to forget that some people struggle at Christmas or that there are some people that just genuinely find the entire holiday so exhausting. If you are reading this and have found yourself nodding in agreement to any of the above then I just want you to know that it is okay for you to feel the way you do.

Here’s a summary of my last few Christmases: In 2016, my parents had a massive fuck off row on Christmas Day so I spent the day drinking and trying to watch the Wizard of Oz in peace. In 2017, I was going through a break up and was just a wreck so spent the day depressed and now in 2018, I do not see myself enjoying Christmas Day. I am just not looking forward to it. To put it bluntly, I cannot be fucked with it this year for many reasons such as, my mood and of course, the fucking inconvenience of being fucking trampled on in the Bull Ring whilst buying shit for people. For those of you that don’t know, the Bull Ring during Christmas time is hell on Earth and if there are any Brummies reading this you are probably shuddering right now and having heart palpitations from just thinking about the fucking chaos! Anyway, I’ve started to stray away from what I want to rant about…let’s start again. A few months back I got to a really good place but recently I have felt myself slipping. I do not understand why I feel the way I do when for the past few months things have been great for me; I am seeing a great guy, I prefer my new Uni course and I feel like I have made many improvements in many aspects of my life. There’s just something I haven’t been able to completely shake off. I don’t know entirely what it is but what I do know is that it is starting to creep up on me.

I am currently feeling way too much and I can’t shut my brain off. I just so desperately want to tell the guy I am with about everything going off in my head but he just won’t understand. He is a great guy and he would try and help but when it comes to mental health he just doesn’t get it and past conversations with him that have lightly brushed on mental health has proven that. I would say that this is his only downfall. He doesn’t mean to be ignorant and I know that he would try his best to understand but he just wouldn’t be able to. He is one of these people that is naturally resilient mentally and good for him! I am so happy that he is this way. Of course, I don’t want him to be the type of person that dwells on things and mood flips 180 at the flip of switch…aka, me! I just find it hard to open up to him because I don’t want to scare him off and come across as an attention seeker.

There’s a bit of awkwardness within me when it comes to opening up and talking about how I am feeling. I hate to burden people. I always think that I am annoying people, oversharing way too much and that my issues aren’t big enough as there’s people out there with so much bad shit going off in their lives. Whereas in my life, nothing around me is going catastrophically wrong. It is literally just all in my head. I have noticed during the past month or so, it is getting harder to get out bed, it’s getting harder to fall asleep, it’s getting harder to do normal everyday activities and I am becoming so agitated at everything; so snappy and impatient. I also hate everyone at the moment (forgive me for sounding like an angsty teen); one little thing someone says to me or even something that I have remembered that they have done or said to me in the past and I turn sour. There are many people I haven’t spoken to in a while and a few people that I just want to get rid of. I am just switching on people and I hate being this way as I never used to be like this. It really isn’t an attractive quality. Being this way is just making me become even more isolated.

So no, I am no longer looking forward to Christmas and having to be fake happy. Looks like I am going to be pouring glass after glass of wine whilst repeatedly saying, “Fuck it, it’s Christmas! One more won’t hurt!”.

Anyone else really not looking forward to Christmas? Also do you have somebody in your life that you absolutely adore and wish to open up to but feel as though you can’t? Let me know in the comments!

P.S. Punctuation and grammar is all over the shop throughout this post but I can’t be arsed. If I am feeling nice in a few days or so I might edit this post.

Liv xoxo


*Insert “It’s been 84 years” Titanic gif here*

Hello, hope everyone is well! I haven’t posted in almost two weeks due to laziness and because I am now back at University. I have moved out of halls and into a house for my second year…with all girls…yeah tensions are rising already. So it is safe to say that I have been fairly busy. Also I’ve gone all extra and had a logo AND a header made by the lovely @sccldesigns on Twitter/Instagram. Highly recommend her and she’s so easy to work with! Anyway, let’s jump right in, shall we?!

I have been thinking about forgiveness A LOT recently and whether or not it is okay to change your mind once you have forgiven somebody. Recently, I have spent some time being very angry with myself for being too forgiving in certain situations. If you were to speak to my closest friends, they would all tell you that I am too forgiving. Unfortunately it’s true; I am that person who will forgive over and over to the point of where I pretty much lose all self-respect. I struggle to cut people off because being cut off myself is one of my biggest fears. I struggle to understand how people can just easily cut people out completely. I believe that forgiveness is a strength but it is something that can be taken advantage of if you are too generous. I am going to be sharing one of my major experiences with forgiveness and taking back forgiveness.

I am not going to identify this person as I will get a strongly worded text message and a whole heap of shit flung at me (think of the scene in ‘Trainspotting’ with the bed sheet – google it if you don’t get this reference lol sorry in advance) if they ever find this blog. Let’s call this person, A. Just to clarify, I do not hate, A. In fact, I still care for, A deeply and perhaps always will but at the same time, I dislike the person that they became. A, is not a bad person; deep down they have a lot of good within them. They just have a lot of growth and maturing to do. A, hurt me a lot; made up lies about me and I saw some texts which were about myself that had been sent to one of my “friends”. I confronted, A and they apologised…I, of course forgave them despite being DEVASTATED. I continued to stay in touch with, A and all they did was let me down repeatedly. I was so scared of not having, A in my life that I felt that I had to keep forgiving them just because I remembered the good times. No matter how many times they screwed me over or how the whole situation made me such a wreck, I continued to keep them in my life. The idea of having no contact was just foreign to me. I could feel myself losing all of the progress I had made with handling my emotions and mental health. I allowed them to keep playing with my emotions. “Big mistake. Big. HUGE” (best scene in a film EVER! I am such a loser).

Fast forward to three months later, I now have zero contact with, A. They did not deserve all of the chances I gave them. Although, I know that they did not deserve the chances, I still forgive them for the things they said and did but I do not forgive the fact that they took advantage of me afterwards. I take back all forgiveness I gave after the first offence. That’s all the information I can give for now regarding that situation. It may be an entire blog post of it’s own as the whole thing was rather fucked up. I know that some of this may sound contradictory but our perceptions change once we have time to, take a step back, heal and mentally revisit situations with a clear head; you see the signs and motives that you didn’t see at the time. All I can say is that, it really isn’t worth keeping people in your life if they treat you like shit and have zero respect for you. As cheesy as this sounds, life really is too short to be miserable just because you’re keeping people who have many shitty qualities in your life.

It is okay to take back forgiveness. We often forgive when we haven’t had time to digest the situation and think things through. Depending on the magnitude of the issue, time is needed to decide on how you really feel and how to approach the issue. Forgiveness isn’t to be rushed; take your time. If you rush forgiveness, you may find yourself in a cycle of confusion and allowing yourself to be walked all over. “Forgive and forget”, isn’t always best. It can be best to just forgive and then walk away for good without looking back.

Comment below with your experiences and thoughts! Is it okay to take back forgiveness? Or once you’ve forgiven somebody there’s no turning back?

Liv xoxo