Hello, I hope everyone is well! This post is more of a diary-esque, ramble rant whatever the fuck you want to call it. However, I am sure there will be somebody who will relate to this post.
Christmas is usually my favourite time of year. I used to be absolutely mad about it but the past few years have been SHIT. The last three Christmases (that word looks weird and I am sorry(ish) if it is not an actual word) have been ABYSMAL. Everyone acts as though Christmas is this magical time of year, which of course it should be but it isn’t always the case. People’s problems don’t just magically disappear just because it is Christmas. I think it is easy for some people to forget that some people struggle at Christmas or that there are some people that just genuinely find the entire holiday so exhausting. If you are reading this and have found yourself nodding in agreement to any of the above then I just want you to know that it is okay for you to feel the way you do.
Here’s a summary of my last few Christmases: In 2016, my parents had a massive fuck off row on Christmas Day so I spent the day drinking and trying to watch the Wizard of Oz in peace. In 2017, I was going through a break up and was just a wreck so spent the day depressed and now in 2018, I do not see myself enjoying Christmas Day. I am just not looking forward to it. To put it bluntly, I cannot be fucked with it this year for many reasons such as, my mood and of course, the fucking inconvenience of being fucking trampled on in the Bull Ring whilst buying shit for people. For those of you that don’t know, the Bull Ring during Christmas time is hell on Earth and if there are any Brummies reading this you are probably shuddering right now and having heart palpitations from just thinking about the fucking chaos! Anyway, I’ve started to stray away from what I want to rant about…let’s start again. A few months back I got to a really good place but recently I have felt myself slipping. I do not understand why I feel the way I do when for the past few months things have been great for me; I am seeing a great guy, I prefer my new Uni course and I feel like I have made many improvements in many aspects of my life. There’s just something I haven’t been able to completely shake off. I don’t know entirely what it is but what I do know is that it is starting to creep up on me.
I am currently feeling way too much and I can’t shut my brain off. I just so desperately want to tell the guy I am with about everything going off in my head but he just won’t understand. He is a great guy and he would try and help but when it comes to mental health he just doesn’t get it and past conversations with him that have lightly brushed on mental health has proven that. I would say that this is his only downfall. He doesn’t mean to be ignorant and I know that he would try his best to understand but he just wouldn’t be able to. He is one of these people that is naturally resilient mentally and good for him! I am so happy that he is this way. Of course, I don’t want him to be the type of person that dwells on things and mood flips 180 at the flip of switch…aka, me! I just find it hard to open up to him because I don’t want to scare him off and come across as an attention seeker.
There’s a bit of awkwardness within me when it comes to opening up and talking about how I am feeling. I hate to burden people. I always think that I am annoying people, oversharing way too much and that my issues aren’t big enough as there’s people out there with so much bad shit going off in their lives. Whereas in my life, nothing around me is going catastrophically wrong. It is literally just all in my head. I have noticed during the past month or so, it is getting harder to get out bed, it’s getting harder to fall asleep, it’s getting harder to do normal everyday activities and I am becoming so agitated at everything; so snappy and impatient. I also hate everyone at the moment (forgive me for sounding like an angsty teen); one little thing someone says to me or even something that I have remembered that they have done or said to me in the past and I turn sour. There are many people I haven’t spoken to in a while and a few people that I just want to get rid of. I am just switching on people and I hate being this way as I never used to be like this. It really isn’t an attractive quality. Being this way is just making me become even more isolated.
So no, I am no longer looking forward to Christmas and having to be fake happy. Looks like I am going to be pouring glass after glass of wine whilst repeatedly saying, “Fuck it, it’s Christmas! One more won’t hurt!”.
Anyone else really not looking forward to Christmas? Also do you have somebody in your life that you absolutely adore and wish to open up to but feel as though you can’t? Let me know in the comments!
P.S. Punctuation and grammar is all over the shop throughout this post but I can’t be arsed. If I am feeling nice in a few days or so I might edit this post.